Aubie: Nice to see you, Al — you’re looking good. Have you dropped a few pounds?
Big Al: As a matter of fact, I have. Thanks for noticing.
Aubie: Of course when YOU lose a few pounds, it’s like throwing two suitcases off the Titanic. Nobody notices.
Big Al: I see you’re already laying on the weight jokes. It’s all good. I wanted you to know that I talked with Albert and Alberta Gator last night. They send you their condolences from Gainesville.
Aubie: Touche, big guy! What did you do Saturday while your team was off?
Big Al: I needed some laughs, so I watched the Auburn offense. It reminded me of a possum.
Aubie: How’s that?
Big Al: It got killed on the road — hahahaha!
Aubie: That’s a cheap shot, Al. Would you like to order?
Big Al: You first.
Aubie: OK, just give me a second to check the menu. Get it? Give me second?
Big Al: Still living in the past, huh dude? All I have to say is your fans haven’t spent much on toilet paper since that game.
Aubie: I’m going to order the biggest steak on the menu.
Big Al: I’ll just have a peanut butter sandwich.
Aubie: C’mon, Al, branch out a bit, try something new!
Big Al: Why should I try something new when the same meals keep working? It’s called tradition, something that you might not know about.
Auburn: Yes, you folks have some great traditions. Like students leaving your games at halftime.
Big Al: You’re so funny I forgot to laugh. But what I’m really laughing at is your upcoming schedule.
Aubie: And who do you play next, Spanish Fort High School?
Big Al: I’m rolling with laughter. By the way, my friends Mike The Tiger and UGA send their condolences, and their teams haven’t played you yet.
Aubie: At least we’re facing real teams.
Big Al: I feel for ya, ‘bro, but it looks as if you might be looking at a stretch that would scare a groundhog: Six more weeks of bad football.
Aubie: At least we can do one thing your team can’t.
Big Al: What is that?
Aubie: Make a field goal.
Big Al: Who needs a kicking game when you average 52 points a game?
Aubie: Yeah, Yeah … Hey, maybe I’ll come visit you when the Crimson Tide plays Western Carolina. Your fans will be handing out tickets right and left that weekend.
Big Al: I’m looking forward to Iron Bowl weekend. Perhaps you can give me a campus tour. I’m anxious to see all of those coloring books in the Auburn library.
Aubie: Here we go, that Bama cockiness is coming out again! Need I remind you about the last time your team visited Auburn? Certainly you remember that game, right? I mean, elephants never forget.
Big Al: You mean the season we lost to you, still made the playoffs and won the national championship? 2nd and 26, baby — I’ll never forget that!. You’re cracking me up!
Aubie: Go ahead and laugh. By the time the Iron Bowl rolls around, Bo will be ready and we will win big.
Big Al: I’m sorry to break the news to you Aubie, but Bo Jackson no longer plays for your team.
Aubie: But we have speed everywhere: Schwartz, Igbinoghene, Stove, I mean those guys can fly.
Big Al: And Jeudy, Ruggs, Waddle and Smitty are turtles? And leave it to Auburn to have a player named “Boobee.”
Aubie: Leave it to Bama to have a player named “Tua.”
Big Al: Like I always say, you can’t spell Tuscaloosa without Tua. Oh, and I’ll text you from Manhattan in December from the Heisman dinner.
Aubie: I hope you do, because that will be the week we will be celebrating our SEC Championship.
Big Al: That’s almost as funny as this check. I didn’t know lunch could be so expensive.
Aubie: The way you eat? Two words for you, my friend: “Salad Bar.”
Big Al: No worries, I’ll expense this lunch. Coach Saban can afford it.
Aubie: I’m sure he can. He’s the same man who has been hanging out in his office showing off his championship rings to a duck. Does the coach really need the extra cash?
Big Al: He may be hanging out with a duck, but that’s what a GOAT does.
Aubie: It’s been nice catching up with you, Al. Give my best to Big Alice — she really needs to get out more.
Big Al: Will do, and give my best to Aurea and Spirit, and I hope Nova is doing well.
Aubie: Thanks Al, you’re a good elephant, regardless of what your friends say.
Big Al: Remember to keep this conversation between us.
Aubie: That’s right, because neither of us can talk.
Big Al: My trunk is sealed … hahaha!
Aubie: Be careful going back to Tuscaloosa.
Big Al: You be careful, too, Aubie. Give me a call if your tractor breaks.
Aubie: And call me if you trip over your ego.
Big Al: See you November 30.
Aubie: Where I’ll be in the student section celebrating a beat down. Man, I can’t wait.