Nick Saban: “Welcome to Tuscaloosa, Mr. President. It’s an honor to have you here.”
President Trump: “My pleasure, Nick. I’m excited that I will be the second-most powerful man in the stadium later today.”
Saban: “Is there anything I can get you? We have some grilled chicken or turkey on a nice bed of greens.”
Trump: “No thanks coach – we drove the motorcade through Chick-fil-A on McFarland Ave before pulling into the stadium. Popeye’s has nothing on that sandwich!”
Saban: “Have you seen our facilities yet, sir?”
Trump: “I certainly have. You should come visit one of my properties sometime.”
Saban: “I’d be glad to, but they would probably be a step down.”
Trump: “So you do have a sense of humor!”
Saban: “My apologies, sir, it’s just that I’m proud of what we have built here.”
Trump: “And well you should be. Hey, I saw one of your huge linemen outside- he looked like he weighed 12,000 pounds.”
Saban: “Oh, that was our mascot, Big Al. Either that or Terrence Cody has come back to visit.”
Trump: “I knew I came to the right place. I get along with elephants much better than I do donkeys.”
Saban: “Have you had a chance this morning to visit with LSU coach Ed Orgeron?”
Trump: “Yes I have, and I must say that I couldn’t understand a word that he said.”
Saban: “We’ve been hoping that his players don’t understand him, either.”
Trump: “Would you like me to give him a nickname like ‘Sleepy Ed’?”
Saban: “No, that’s OK. We won’t need any more motivation for this game.
Trump: “Let me ask you, Nick, ‘How WILL you motivate your players for such a big game?’”
Saban: “I will tell them to imagine the LSU players as people they detest- any ideas?”
Trump: “How about Congress?”
Saban: “Hmmm … and LSU quarterback Joe Burrow?”
Trump: “Nancy Pelosi.”
Saban: “LSU receiver Justin Jefferson?
Trump: “Adam Schiff might work.”
Saban: “See? You’re getting the hang of it!”
Trump: “And the thought of what person gets your players mean and nasty?”
Saban: “Finebaum.”
Trump: “I’m sorry, Nick, I don’t know him.”
Saban: “Be glad, sir, be glad.”
Trump: “It sure looks like you are in control here. How do you prevent leaks?”
Saban: “That’s simple, sir: I just don’t let my assistants speak to the media. It’s one voice here, sir.”
Trump: “But how do you keep the ‘fake news’ media in check?”
Saban: “That’s easy. I simply wait until one of those boneheads asks a stupid question and I explode. It’s lots of fun and my base eats it up.”
Trump: “But how should I handle a reporter like Jim Acosta of CNN, a real pain in the backside?”
Saban: “I’ll be happy to send Raekwon Davis up to your place for a visit. One tackle will wipe that smarmy grin off Acosta’s face.”
Trump: “I see. What a game this should be. What’s the key for your team to win?
Saban: “Rushin’”
Trump: “I beg your pardon?”
Saban: “Oh, uh, I mean, consistently running the ball. We also need to get the ball to our receivers.”
Trump: “I understand they have big hands. That has to be an advantage, right?”
Saban: “That’s always an advantage.”
Trump: “Let me ask you about Tommy Tuberville. Should I endorse him for his U.S. Senate run?”
Saban: “That’s up to you, Mr. President.”
Trump: “Do you think Alabama fans will vote for him?”
Saban: “Of course! He was so successful against Alabama that the folks here went out and hired me.”
Trump: “You mean Tommy Tuberville was responsible for getting you to Tuscaloosa?”
Saban: “I guess you could say that. That’ll teach those Aubies for winning six straight against us.”
Trump: “Before I go, I wanted to ask you what kind of crowd size you might expect today.”
Saban: “Plenty big, sir. I know how much you like big crowds, and this will satisfy you.”
Trump: “Can’t wait to Tweet that out later today.”
Saban: I don’t Tweet, Mr. President, but I will take note of that.”
Trump: “You don’t Tweet? You should try it sometime. You would have more followers than me!”
Saban: “It’s been nice visiting with you, sir.”
Trump: “Same here, Nick. Hey, do you have time to get in a few holes at the Capstone Club before the game? I brought my clubs.”
Saban: “Not today, sir, but thank you.”
Trump: “That’s fine. Good luck to you, Nick. I hope that you never retire.”
Saban: “There are no term limits here, sir. I can coach for decades.”
Trump: “Now that’s what I’m talking about.”
Saban: “Once again, it has been a pleasure. I can always tell my grandchildren about this nice chat with POTUS.”
Trump: “And I can tell my grandkids about this nice chat with the GOAT.”
Saban: “Indeed. Oh, and you can do me a favor today, Mr. President? Can you stay for the entire game?”
Trump: “Will do, coach. Will do!”