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If you send your child to Auburn (For all the Auburn mommas)

Samford Hall at Auburn University (Photo: Flickr user sunsurfr)
Samford Hall at Auburn University (Photo: Flickr user sunsurfr)

By: Sarah Partain

If you send your child to Auburn University, she will have to go on a tour. When she goes on a tour, she will learn to never step on the seal near Samford Hall. Seeing Samford Hall will make her fall in love.

After deciding to become a Tiger, she’s going to want to buy a car sticker. To buy a car sticker, you’ll have to take her to J&M Bookstore, where she will learn the definitions of burnt orange and Auburn navy for the first time. She will definitely want to open a charge account (with your name on it, of course).

When she opens a charge account, her first purchase is going to be her very own jersey. Now that she has a jersey, she will need somewhere to wear it, so she will go to a football game.

At the football game, she will watch in awe as Nova circles the stadium before landing on the pristine field of Jordan-Hare. From the stands, she will witness the glorious miracle that is Auburn University football.

When Auburn wins the football game, she will have to go to Toomer’s Corner, where she will watch the streets around her become a winter wonderland of toilet paper.

Inspired by the night’s events, she will immediately burn anything in her wardrobe that is crimson.

If you send your child to Auburn, he will spend his days mapping the Haley Center hallways and watching videos of Chris Davis’s touchdown in class. His teachers will explain that time is measured in terms of “one second,” and he must be Auburn Fast in his journey to academic success.

When he spends so much time learning at Auburn, he will become fluent in a foreign language consisting of “bodda getta’s” and “sis-boom-bah’s.” Because he is now a fluent speaker of “Auburn,” he will know that “War Eagle” means “hello,” “good-bye,” “you’re welcome,” and “thank you”… and “get well,” and “see you soon,” and “have a nice day,” and every word in between.

Your child will survive his grueling college years on a strict diet of lemonade and Momma G’s nachos, even though his mother insists the Veggie Rider sandwich is the best. Because he never stepped on the seal, he will eventually graduate from the Loveliest Village on the Plains.

If you send your child to Auburn, her single car sticker will grow to nine (not counting her magnets, flags, and car tags). She will name the family dog Aubie, and decorate her Christmas trees in orange and blue.

He will raise his children on the Auburn creed, teaching them that with hard work, honesty, and a little bit of Jesus, nothing is impossible. They will believe in Auburn, and love it.

The most important thing, however, if you send your child to Auburn, is that he or she will forever become a part of an unbreakable family that extends far beyond the bonds of football and academics. They will forever bleed orange and blue.

“And all God’s people said, ‘War Eagle!'”

Sarah Partain is a student at Auburn University studying Journalism, born and raised on orange and blue.