The White House
Office of the President
December 19, 2011
Dear Mr. Claus ~
As we celebrate the joyous season of Christmas, I know that I speak for many Americans in wishing you well on your trip around the globe and thanking you for the joy that you spread on an annual basis. You know I’ve always been a fan of yours – anyone who spends most of their time handing out gifts to people who did nothing to earn them is all right by me.
Despite my personal affection, however, the responsibilities of the presidency compel me to speak out when there are wrongs that need to be redressed. And as you saw when my administration attempted to levy a tax on Christmas trees earlier this year, we make no exceptions for the holidays. As such, I must inform you that your Christmas rounds will have to be cancelled this year unless you agree to abide by the following rules and regulations set out by my administration:
- All elves in your workshop are to be immediately unionized. Should you fail to comply with this directive, the National Labor Relations Board is prepared to bring suit and demand that all assembly be done at a closed shop in Michigan that pays three times the prevailing wage and provides six weeks of leave time at full pay.
- Every mile your sleigh travels over American airspace must be offset by the purchase of carbon credits. If your team can provide sufficient documentation to prove that this is an excessive financial burden, we are prepared to subsidize the purchase of a hybrid sleigh, though you will need to stop to charge the vehicle approximately once every 30 minutes.
- The First Lady is concerned that your weight sets a bad example for America’s children. In order to counteract the growing epidemic of obesity in the United States, you will no longer be allowed to consume milk and cookies in American homes. We have no intention of ruining a cherished tradition, however, so we will be instructing parents throughout the nation that it is acceptable to leave you a glass of tomato juice and a plate of tofu.
- Our Department of Education has substantial concerns about your employment of “naughty and nice lists,” which have been deemed injurious to the self-esteem of America’s young people. We realize this is a valuable part of your inventory process, so we are happy to let the practice continue, provided that the lists now be referred to as “Good A” and “Good B.”
- As a matter of political prudence, the Justice Department has requested that you remain silent about the firearms we have asked you to deliver to Mexico in the past few years.
- Finally, we know that you are considering retiring in the near future. While not a directive, we would ask that you consider Vice President Biden as your replacement. We frequently find him talking to reindeer for no good reason, and feel that it would be useful to at least put that tendency to work in a productive fashion.
I realize that many of these requests may seem onerous. However, America has always been a place where we routinely sacrifice for the good of others, and that’s what we believe we are asking you to do here. We want you to think of us as your federal family – collaborators, not regulators. We’re here to help. In fact, there’s even a chance that you could be eligible for stimulus money if you’re willing to adhere to a few basic requirements (such as delivering presents in proportion to a state’s number of electoral votes).
I apologize if any of this presents an inconvenience. Please know that Michelle and I still consider you a good friend.
You’re always welcome in our house,
President Barack Obama
P.S. – “You’re always welcome in our house” is a figure of speech. If you try to come down the White House chimney, the Secret Service will shoot you.
This piece was written by Troy Senik and originally appeared on the website of the Center for Individual Freedom. Mr. Senik is a Senior Fellow at CFIF. He served in the White House as a speechwriter for President George W. Bush, and previously wrote for California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich.