Let’s be honest: Big Al and Aubie are animals of few words. But what if the Alabama and Auburn mascots could really talk?
You know, like Toy Story?
Have these two been fooling us all along? I can only imagine their conversation if they met for Sunday lunch:
Aubie: Nice to see you, Al — you’re looking good. Have you dropped a few pounds?
Big Al: As a matter of fact, I have. Thanks for noticing.
Aubie: Of course when YOU lose a few pounds, it’s like throwing two suitcases off the Titanic. Nobody notices.
Big Al: I see you’re already laying on the weight jokes. It’s all good. I wanted you to know that I talked with Albert and Alberta Gator last night. They send you their condolences from Gainesville.
Aubie: Touche, big guy! What did you do Saturday while your team was off?
Big Al: I needed some laughs, so I watched the Auburn offense. It reminded me of a possum.
Aubie: How’s that?
Big Al: It got killed on the road — hahahaha!
Aubie: That’s a cheap shot, Al. Would you like to order?
Big Al: You first.
Aubie: OK, just give me a second to check the menu. Get it? Give me second?
Big Al: Still living in the past, huh dude? All I have to say is your fans haven’t spent much on toilet paper since that game.
Aubie: I’m going to order the biggest steak on the menu.
Big Al: I’ll just have a peanut butter sandwich.
Aubie: C’mon, Al, branch out a bit, try something new!
Big Al: Why should I try something new when the same meals keep working? It’s called tradition, something that you might not know about.
Auburn: Yes, you folks have some great traditions. Like students leaving your games at halftime.
Big Al: You’re so funny I forgot to laugh. But what I’m really laughing at is your upcoming schedule.
Aubie: And who do you play next, Spanish Fort High School?
Big Al: I’m rolling with laughter. By the way, my friends Mike The Tiger and UGA send their condolences, and their teams haven’t played you yet.
Aubie: At least we’re facing real teams.
Big Al: I feel for ya, ‘bro, but it looks as if you might be looking at a stretch that would scare a groundhog: Six more weeks of bad football.
Aubie: At least we can do one thing your team can’t.
Big Al: What is that?
Aubie: Make a field goal.
Big Al: Who needs a kicking game when you average 52 points a game?
Aubie: Yeah, Yeah … Hey, maybe I’ll come visit you when the Crimson Tide plays Western Carolina. Your fans will be handing out tickets right and left that weekend.
Big Al: I’m looking forward to Iron Bowl weekend. Perhaps you can give me a campus tour. I’m anxious to see all of those coloring books in the Auburn library.
Aubie: Here we go, that Bama cockiness is coming out again! Need I remind you about the last time your team visited Auburn? Certainly you remember that game, right? I mean, elephants never forget.
Big Al: You mean the season we lost to you, still made the playoffs and won the national championship? 2nd and 26, baby — I’ll never forget that!. You’re cracking me up!
Aubie: Go ahead and laugh. By the time the Iron Bowl rolls around, Bo will be ready and we will win big.
Big Al: I’m sorry to break the news to you Aubie, but Bo Jackson no longer plays for your team.
Aubie: But we have speed everywhere: Schwartz, Igbinoghene, Stove, I mean those guys can fly.
Big Al: And Jeudy, Ruggs, Waddle and Smitty are turtles? And leave it to Auburn to have a player named “Boobee.”
Aubie: Leave it to Bama to have a player named “Tua.”
Big Al: Like I always say, you can’t spell Tuscaloosa without Tua. Oh, and I’ll text you from Manhattan in December from the Heisman dinner.
Aubie: I hope you do, because that will be the week we will be celebrating our SEC Championship.
Big Al: That’s almost as funny as this check. I didn’t know lunch could be so expensive.
Aubie: The way you eat? Two words for you, my friend: “Salad Bar.”
Big Al: No worries, I’ll expense this lunch. Coach Saban can afford it.
Aubie: I’m sure he can. He’s the same man who has been hanging out in his office showing off his championship rings to a duck. Does the coach really need the extra cash?
Big Al: He may be hanging out with a duck, but that’s what a GOAT does.
Aubie: It’s been nice catching up with you, Al. Give my best to Big Alice — she really needs to get out more.
Big Al: Will do, and give my best to Aurea and Spirit, and I hope Nova is doing well.
Aubie: Thanks Al, you’re a good elephant, regardless of what your friends say.
Big Al: Remember to keep this conversation between us.
Aubie: That’s right, because neither of us can talk.
Big Al: My trunk is sealed … hahaha!
Aubie: Be careful going back to Tuscaloosa.
Big Al: You be careful, too, Aubie. Give me a call if your tractor breaks.
Aubie: And call me if you trip over your ego.
Big Al: See you November 30.
Aubie: Where I’ll be in the student section celebrating a beat down. Man, I can’t wait.
Rick Karle is a 24-time Emmy winning broadcaster and a special sports contributor to Yellowhammer News. He is also the host of the Huts and Nuts podcast.
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