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Aaron Johnson: Houdini, Elmer, and a DUI

I think the problem with our nation right now has something to do with gas cans.

Neither my 1961 Chevy Apache 10 nor my 1985 Jeep CJ7 have functional fuel gauges. That means that most of the time I have a gallon or so of fuel tucked away in the back.

Today I made a fuel purchase and refilled my two red plastic fuel containers. These babies are U.S.-approved receptacles for petroleum products. They came complete with a tamper resistant, child proof, adult frustrating, fuel reappropriation system. That means the spout is impossible to operate. Easy enough to put the fuel in the container, but buddy getting it back out is an exercise is both dexterity and patience.

Somewhere in a white tower in Washington, D.C., a government worker is working hard to keep me from accessing the fuel I have already purchased. Fracking has to be easier than getting the new valves to operate properly.

Seriously! Who on this planet thinks the new systems are workable? Houdini couldn’t have escaped from a chamber closed with a new fuel spout.

Luckily, I am not one to suffer long with such trivial frustrations. I bought two funnels and  keep one in each vehicle. Out of spite I sawed off the store-bought frustration to a mere nub then affixed a remnant of a garden hose on it using a clamp. Really, didn’t they see that coming?

I think our government needs to pay more attention to things like trade deficits, inflation, border security, and the federal debt. We can’t secure the border but we can sure keep the gas in the can!

Shootings are now common place. Hollywood has really stepped up to the plate on gun violence. After spewing filth, corruption, violence, vulgarity, and obscenities for decades they finally took a proactive step to stem the tide of violence. They took Elmer Fudd’s shotgun. We should see fewer shootings any day now.

Elmer has been hunting the same Waskaly Wabbit for my 63 years and hasn’t killed anything yet. I’d like to use that shotgun on a couple of gas cans. Of all the folks who shouldn’t have a gun, Elmer isn’t one of them.

Last count I had, there were about 15 million vets in our country. I’m willing to bet my gas can they would be willing to take a post at local schools. Something about knowing you are going to meet someone professionally trained to kill, might cause the next school shooter to think twice.

According to the National Highway Safety Association, 28 people died each day in 2022 due to drunk driving. That is one every 52 minutes or so. My math puts the number to over 10,000 people died last year due to drunk driving. Yet I don’t hear anyone screaming to outlaw cars. We should have laws that prevent driving while drunk. Oh, wait, we do.

I have an idea about how to curb drunk driving too. We all make mistakes. One DUI is simply not acceptable, but it might be a wake-up call for the driver. However, when someone is a repeat offender there is a deeper problem.

I like the idea of second time DUI offenders drive only a vehicle with a license plate that begins with DUI. Might make it a scarlet color, like scarlet letters. No doubt some are now frustrated with my solution. It will cause unwanted attention to the offender.

But maybe the time has come to offend some folks. If embarrassment will keep my grandchildren’s name off a grave marker, then let the embarrassment begin. Dad might think twice about letting his daughter hop into a lifted F-150 if the plate began with DUI.

In summary: Saw off the spout, post a vet, don’t drink and drive, use some common sense and give Elmer his shotgun.

Aaron Johnson is a contributing writer for Yellowhammer News. He is pastor of Christ Redeemer Church in Guntersville.

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